BIrthday introspections

So this is my first blog as I have been on the fence for quite some time as to whether I would actually take time to put thoughts, feelings, ideas out there on paper(er..computer screen) for all to see and read. I am not sure of the format or structure but I think that is the point of blogging. Freedom of expression. Today is as good a time as any since it is my birthday and a beginning to another year of my life. Another year to look back on and another one to look forward to and plan my next round of successes, conquests, and most importantly, growth.

Today I am 36 years old. 36. Almost 4 decades. I can remember very clearly 20 years ago what I was doing, thinking, feeling. Hi-top fade, saggy jeans, bright colored party shirts among the collection of things and styles that consisted of my attempt to find and establish myself. At that point in time was when I received my first recruiting letters to go to college, realized that I wanted, no, needed to find a bigger and different pond than Piscataway, NJ to swim in, and started chasing the idea of being completely my own person and hanging out with the crowd of me first, and everyone else second. Trying to sort out the hype from the reality of being a black man in this world and also figuring out how being the son of a foreign black man was different in the United States than just being American. Those ideas, struggles, good and bad times all resonate with me today. I could have easily been just another kid who went down the right or wrong path but ended up seeing a bit of both. That being said, it was drilled into my head that I am different and as the saying goes, to whom much is given, much more is expected.

So where am I today? The biggest thing that I realize about this phase of my life is that I have no reference point for this stage of my life. As a teenager, life is moving fast and you are trying to outrun it, trying to be older than you are at every step along the way. When you are 16, you want to be 18 and a senior in high school with your license and car to drive around and be cool. When you are 18, you want to be 21 so that you can get into all the "cool" places to be legal, drink, etc. Along the way, things start to change as you start thinking about being 30, a grown up with a mortgage, married, kids, etc. For me, all of those things seemed so much bigger than me before I reached those various stages. Then at each mental checkpoint, you realize that this can be done. Why? Because you have no choice. Life keeps moving whether you are sitting and watching it go by or running and working through it. At some point, as you get older, you make a choice to try and complete the puzzle in becoming the person that you want or hope to be. I believe that regrets for the most part are self-inflicted. If you make a choice that does not work out, it is not to be regretted but taken for what it is as a lesson or experience from which to grow. Regrets are a way of not accepting that life is bigger than you and not everything is meant to work out in your favor.

So at the ripe old age of 36, my reference points do, in fact, exist. They come from my foundation of choosing between right and wrong, my past choices that led me to understand consequences, good or bad, and lastly being a grown man with responsibilities. Now all of this does not mean that I do not have a ton left to learn. It just means that I have something and somewhere that can be considered a starting point. I think that one of my biggest strengths and probably also one of my biggest weaknesses is that I have very little ability to be content and accepting of where I am or what I have accomplished. I believe in my heart of hearts that success comes to those who actually want it by trying to do a little more and a little better every day. So this thought keeps me going and wanting to be a better person which will help me be a better husband, a better dad, and a better businessman, in precisely that order. I don't know if it is working but the last 20 years have been an amazing ride with so many more highs and blessings than lows. I look forward to the upcoming stages that will consist of the next 20 days, month, and/or years.